if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
