We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
