i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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