I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
