rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Randomize
