Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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