I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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