if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
