the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
