I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
