Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
