I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
