just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
