Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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