I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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