i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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