If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
