I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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