first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
