Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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