YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
it was like eating out sand paper
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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