Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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