we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
