i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
