ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
