I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
