I can tuck mytits in my pants
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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