i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
