needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
