Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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