My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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