I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
