Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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