Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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