Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
