You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
