I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
