I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
