I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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