Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
