I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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