Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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