I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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