A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
