I wish my penis had an off switch
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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