Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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