You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
