I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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