How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
