I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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