hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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